The Vampire Breast Lift: Perfect after a bear attack
It’s probably time Leonardo DiCaprio finally gets his hands on a best actor award at the Academy Awards.
However, if you have seen the film, The Revenant, you may agree that he should share his award with the bear.
The Mauling of Leonardo, or as the film’s publicists described it, The Rape of Leo, is simply mammoth. Unbearable. Barely watchable.
“As an audience member you feel like some voyeuristic animal watching something that you shouldn't be watching,” is how Leonardo described his terrible tango with the bear. He could also be describing Sunday night’s famous face-fest known as the Oscars. This year, the ceremony is already infamous for being over-white and its over-the-top gift bags.
None of the top 20 nominees, actors and directors, will leave Hollywood’s Dolby Theatre empty-handed. A few will get statuettes, but everyone gets a gift bag filled with hardcore freebies; a stash of goodies that would make Imelda Marcos blush.
The 2016 gift bags are valued at about $230,000 each.
That’s a wee bit excessive you might say as you fall to the ground in Pikettian apoplexy. Forget the Big Mac index. Here is the Eat the Rich Show Bag index. If you are not really sure if the rich are getting richer or the celebs more celebrated, let me tell you that the 2016 bag has had a 40% injection of extra value between Oscars.
There are some gorgeous goodies if, like Leonardo, you’ve had all the wind, blood and life knocked out of you by the mother of all grizzlies. A top pick is the Vampire Breast Lift (valued at $1900) which will give your breasts eternal life for at least a month or so. (Spoiler: No, it doesn’t use Robert Pattison’s blood). Your own enriched blood is injected into your breasts “to revive rounder cleavage without implants”. The Kardashians swear by it.
It may prove more popular than the 2015 gift bag classic, the $5,000 ‘O-Shot’, an injection of your enriched blood into your clitoris which allegedly results in a When Harry met Sally kick-start to your sex life. The Kardashians swear by it.
If you’re a bit shy, reach in your bag for your $250 gentle genital pre-sex arouser and think of Leo and the bear. After all this excitement you might then need a bit of laser skin tightening ($5500).
Hungry? When it comes to intake (formerly known as eating) you can open your $68 six-pack of herbal tea-based lollipops in 24K edible gold leaf or your own monogrammed M and Ms ($425). We recommend you then use your $250 porcelain veneer toothpaste; a perfect accessory for a #OscarsSoWhite.
Unfortunately, this year there is no Vaportrim, (a hit in the 2012 bag) which allowed you to snort a zero-calorie dessert, not to be confused with other fun powders. If nasal inhalation is not your cup of tea, there is a $250 Haze vaporizer a high-tech bong for your dry herbs which can also vape your e-liquids, concentrates and waxes. The brand name says it all.
Almost ready to step outside, darling? Put on your real mink eyelashes (a favourite in the 2005 gift bag). Lather-up with your life-time supply of nourishing skin creams ($44,000) which claim to be, like the yeti, the "best kept 2000 year old secret in the Himalayas”.
Who needs a car when you have a year’s worth of unlimited Audi car rentals ($45,000) to get to a nearest airport?
Rifle through your gift bag and you’ll find these two travel vouchers; a 10-day, first-class trip to Israel ($55,000) and a 15-day walking tour of Japan ($45,000).
If the idea of walking and being walled-in makes you anxious be assured there is a box of luxury toilet paper ($389) somewhere in the gift bag. You’ll be proud to know this little offering was engineered by a Swiss-based team of dermatologists, “determined to elevate toilet hygiene to beauty care”.
Those funny little statues are barely worth winning.