Looking for Mr Far Right
They’re back for a new season: big egos and bad suits in the tragicomedy, I’m the most conservative American that has ever breathed, and I’m a billionaire, and I’m gonna be your Republican presidential candidate in 2016.
Rediscover your loveable favourites from last season. There’s Donald ‘show me your birth certificate Mr President’ Trump, Sarah ‘I can see the Russians from my kitchen window’ Palin, Mike ‘it’s a sin problem’ Huckabee, Mitt ‘I don’t give a shit about 47% of you’ Romney, Newt ‘let’s live on the moon’ Gingrich and Rick ‘oops’ Perry. Who can forget Rick ‘please don’t google my last name’ Santorum?
This season there are some new faces. Meet bully boy Chris ‘mess with me and I’ll shut down your bridge’ Christie, Scott ‘watch me halve the size of the public service’ Walker, Marco ‘Republicans really do love immigrants’ Rubio, Jeb ‘is my name a handicap?’ Bush, Ted ‘Fighting Obama Care is like fighting Nazis’ Cruz, and Rand ‘I’m not quite as bizarre as my father’ Paul.
This season, about 30 would-be presidents will be out to prove they are to the right of Genghis Khan and Fox News.
The Koch brothers, who finance the ultra-conservative Tea Party (also known as the American Taliban according to the fabulous, but fictional newsman Will McAvoy) will donate USD $900 million to crown Mr Far Right.
Contestants assembled last week to test the GOP (Grand Old Party) waters at the Freedom Iowa Summit, sponsored by Congressman Steve King, a man who hates a lot of things, especially illegal immigrants. In 2007 he proposed a new border with Mexico; a massive electrified concrete wall covered in barbed wire. A necessity, if you believe as Mr King does, that 99 out of 100 illegal child immigrants are drug mules ‘with calves the size of cantaloupes because they're hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert’.
Winning is simple. Contestants must convince punters that they are more Christian than Moses, climate change is a lot of hot air, Darwin’s theory of evolution is a Marxist chimpanzee plot, the Islamic-Hispanic hordes are coming to get your children and that guns and God will cure all moral ills. They must promise to stop all abortions, contraception, gay marriage and anyone from becoming gay; repeal, decapitate and burn-at-the-stake Obama Care which is the worst thing that has happened to the USA since slavery; reduce the size and popularity of government to a Brussel sprout; and finally bomb Syria, Iran, North Korea and anyone that mentions the words tax and increase in the same sentence.
The key is to be sufficiently charming and folksy that you don’t appear to be war-mongering, homophobic, racist, a misogynist or an unhinged looney. The losers get a chair and a microphone on Fox News aka Bullshit Mountain. The winner will get to go head-to-head with Lady MacBeth of Arkansas. Win that, and you’ll be commander-in-chief of the world’s biggest arsenal.