Gary Littman

OWNER OF THE LANGUAGE HOUSE

Garry Littman is the owner and director of The Language House in Geneva which organises English language training for professional people, companies and students. He was a radio and newspaper journalist in his native Australia and ran a restaurant in Kathmandu in his younger days. He is an English language trainer and an aficionado of pétanque.

10 bizarre apps (but think twice before downloading)

It was only six years ago that we first heard of mobile application software (apps). Since then we have been in the midst of an app gold rush.

In 2013, about 100 billion apps were downloaded; about 14 for every human on the planet. The forecast for 2017 is 285 billion downloads.  Because I’m ‘appy is the soundtrack of our lives.

Some of the 1.5 million apps on the market, such as Candy Crush and Angry Birds, are unquestionably essential for an ‘appy life. Then there are some that are just extra-bizarre. A word of warning: Some of these apps could get you into trouble.

1. iNap@Work

This is a nap app. It will help you to have a nap (petite somme) at work, hopefully without getting caught and losing your job, your wife or husband and all credibility. This app produces the sounds of work, including mouse and keyboard clicks, paper shuffling and even human sounds like clearing your throat and sniffling. Your boss and colleagues think you are busy at work while you zzzzzz… and your app does all the work.

 2. Ordain Thyself App

Yes, you can do the work of God and become a religious leader. Ever had dreams of being a rabbi, imam, priest or swami? How about a Klingon priest? Choose from dozens of religions. Includes simple prayers of your chosen religion. Blessed are the readers of Bilan...

3. iHobo

Remember Tamagotchi? Your virtual pet is now a homeless man. A nameless youth will be living in your phone for the next three days, requiring your attention day and night. Normal hobo-related issues are bound to manifest, including death. iHobo app was created with the goal to raise awareness of Depaul UK, the largest youth homeless charity in the UK.

4. Places I’ve Pooped

Poop is North American slang (argot) for what is called poo in British slang. The dictionary describes poop as a child's word for the solid waste that is passed through the bowels, also known as number 2. Can I stop here? Have you got the picture?
This app helps you track all the porcelain (toilets) you’ve squatted over and sat on in the world. You can make a detailed map of your international flushes. Compare maps with your friends.

 5. RunPee app

A long movie, a big container of fizzy drink and a bladder (vessie) that is threatening to burst... not a good place to be.  This app tells you the best time to run for a pee during a film, so you don't miss out on any crucial scenes. For those that don't have Iron Man control.

6. Lick this

The app aims to teach your tongue a few new tricks when it comes to pleasure in the bedroom. Using your own touch screen, Lick This features three interactive tongue exercises to improve both skill and technique. Warning: cover your screen with something. Believe it or not, your telephone is dirtier than a toilet seat or the bottom or your shoes.  Your phone’s heat creates an optimum bacterial breeding ground. Still want to lick? How about a kiss? No slurping.

7. iFrenchKiss

More of a kisser than licker? You can practise your French kissing on the face of your highly desirable mobile phone. The app analyzes your technique as you kiss the screen and gives feedback. If you prefer germ-free lessons I suggest you turn to Johnny for some good old-fasioned advice.

By the way, if you have ever wondered why this delicious activity is known as French kissing as against Spanish or Irish kissing - here's your answer from Wikipedia:

A French kiss is so-called because at the beginning of the 20th century, the French had a reputation for more adventurous and passionate sex practices. In France, it is referred to as un baiser amoureux ("a lover's kiss") or un baiser avec la langue ("a kiss with the tongue"), even if in past times it was also known as baiser florentin ("Florentine kiss"). The Petit Robert 2014 French dictionary, released on May 30, 2013, added the French verb "galocher"—to kiss with tongues—making it the first time a single word described the practice.

8. iVoodoo

The iVoodoo app allows the user to select a photo of their sworn nemesis (why did you just think of your boss?) and place it on the head of a voodoo doll. Users can then use pins to inflict as much pain or good fortune as possible. There are seven different pins - Positive, Negative, Wealth, Power, Success, Love and Spirituality. You can run a maximum of five dolls at any one time. Warning: Don't leave pins lying around.

9. Hang Time

Throw you telephone off the Salève.  Drop it down the deepest crevice. Throw it as high as you can. This app actually records the length of time that your phone spends travelling through the air. A cool app, but it may only be used once or twice if you are lucky…

10. Zombie Detector

This app is your essential post-apocalypse survival tool.  Zombie Detector alerts you to para-normal presence.  (Yes the boulangier is definitely a zombie). What you do after the alarm sounds is entirely up to you. Warning: you cannot injure your co-workers and use the Zombie Detector as a legal defence. Zombie Detector is based on voice frequency (VF) levels. As everyone knows that the living dead communicate within a specific narrow VF range. That's why there are no zombie opera singers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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